Loves Me Not
by From Spark to Flame
Summary: I was scared. I was sad, terrified, worried. All of those. But I wouldn’t let it be seen. Not by Dad. Not Sayu. Not Misa. Not even L. The only one aware of my fear would be Mom. Just Mom. Because mother’s know everything. But mom doesn't love me anymore.


Disclaimer: Death Note is not mine. And neither is the song.

A/N:** Light was caught as Kira while his memories were erased in this fic.** This is based off of an Indian song. I have it translated below. Obviously, the translation is a bit sketchy. It's a very touching song, but I really don't know the writer/singer.

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I sat there, in that room, in shock. I had been caught as Kira. But why don't I remember killing? How come I don't remember being Kira? What is going on?

This doesn't make sense. My head was pounding, along with my heart. I couldn't think clearly. Confusion riddled my thoughts.

L proved that I was Kira- Yes that is true. I am Kira. But I don't remember. Why don't I remember! Either way, I was going to die. If I remembered or if I didn't. It didn't matter.

I was scared. Obviously. But I didn't show it. I couldn't give L that satisfaction. I couldn't show him my pain. Instead, I schooled my features into an expressionless mask.

No!- I couldn't let them know of my fear. Of how much I wanted to go home. How I wanted to be back in the comfortable atmosphere of my room. Not this dark, empty room. How I yearned to be with my family. My dad, my sister, my mom.

Especially my mom. She was my world. She was the only one I was afraid of disappointing. And now, she knows. She knows I am Kira. She was disappointed. She probably hated me, like my dad did.

And all because of what? The Death Note. The damn Death Note that entrapped me in its pages. It turned me into Kira. It turned me into a murderer. That's what L said.

But I don't remember being entrapped. I don't remember killing! L said that my memories were erased because I gave up its possession. But didn't that mean that I stopped being Kira? That I gave it up?

I stared at my hands in horror. I had killed. Whether I remembered it or not- I had killed.

Oh- how I wanted to go home! I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the room around me. A lone tear slipped down my cheek, despite my efforts to keep my emotionless front up.

For how long, I sat there like that, I do not know.

"Raito" A soft voice called out to me. I felt a soft hand cupping my cheek. My eyes fluttered open, to be met with another pair of eyes. My mother's.

My heart jumped, and a lump formed in my throat. I swallowed it down, my thoughts racing. She was here to rescue me! To take me home with her. She would convince them that this was not my fault. That I was not Kira anymore. She would realize that!

I smiled at her and hugged her close to me, relishing the familiar feeling of warmth. The familiar smell of my mother.

I felt her stiffen in my arms. "Kira. Let go of me." Her voice sounded cold and quiet. Almost robotic.

My yes widened and I released her. She called me Kira. Kira! She believed I was Kira too! She wouldn't listen would she? She wasn't here to save me…She hated me too, just like dad. No!- It couldn't be true.

"Mom? What's wrong?" I asked. I knew what was wrong. I just couldn't believe it. I had to hear it from her mouth.

"Why did you do it?" I heard the emotion in her voice this time. It was pain. No, not anger. Just pain. Pain and disappointment. "Did I not tell you it was wrong? Was it rebellion? Was it peer pressure? Was it our pressure? Did you not get something you wanted? Was it me? Did I do something wrong in raising you? Did I not teach you the value of a human life?" Pain laced her words. Pain that struck my heart.

My mom blamed herself! That was the only thought running through my head.

"It wasn't you mom. It was just…I…I wanted to make a perfect world."

"By killing? Two wrongs don't make a right, Kira! You should know that by now. You can't base happiness off of pain. You can't build hope form pain! I thought I taught you that!" She was crying now. Streams of endless tears ran down her cheeks and her voice trembled as she spoke.

"I'm sorry- I just-" I trailed off, not knowing what to say.

"You are sorry? Will that bring back those humans you have killed?" The venom in her voice took me by surprise. I just hung my head, like a child that was being scolded. "Do you know how many people you have killed? How many lives you have ended? Lives! People with family and friends and loved ones!"

"But I don't even remember doing this Kira stuff though-"

"Yes, you don't remember. But that didn't stop it from happening. You still killed. You still sinned."

"But they were criminals! I was trying to help the world. Like Dad does." Yes, I don't remember being Kira, but I see the logic behind it. I can imagine trying to rid the world of villains.

"You father does not kill if he can help it. He follows laws. Enforces them. Not break them. And you. YOU! You kill. In cold blood!" She was gripping my arms and shaking me violently at this point. Tears were flowing freely down my cheeks as well, for I had shed my façade long ago.

"Mom, I'm sorry" I repeated, not knowing what else to say. She stopped her shaking abruptly and released me. I was sent scrambling back against the wall. She stood up shakily and turned away, heading for the door. My eyes widened in realization.

"Mom! No! Don't leave me here!" I scrambled frantically toward her, trying to grab her leg. Trying to stop her from leaving. "They are going to kill me! I don't want to die. Take me home with you," I pleaded.

She walked through the door, but before closing it behind her, she turned back around to face me. She was a mess. Her eyes held a frenzied sort of look. She glared at me, "You deserve to die Kira" The door closed behind her with a slam, leaving me on the floor crying.

I crawled back to my corner. Sobs wracked body. I gasped for breath in-between, wallowing in self-pity.

Was I really that bad? Did I deserve to die? My own mother had said it. It must be true. Weren't mother's supposed to protect their children? Not turn their back on them? Not desert them? Not give them up to a death sentence.

I understood my father's anger. He had beaten me black and blue when he found out that I was Kira. Yes- He'd been angry. But that was what I'd expected of him, so it didn't really hurt as much as this. My mother's betrayal.

I had seen the fire raging in my father's eyes. But I'd predicted it. My father had always been a man of action. That is why he was a police officer. He couldn't stand back and let others get hurt. He punished criminals. Even if they were his own son. Yes, I had known what he would do, and after he had done it, I had waited for my mother.

I thought that she'd console me. I thought she'd envelope me in her arms and stroke my hair soothingly. I thought that she'd lay my head in her lap and let me cry. I looked to her for comfort.

Only to have my heart broken. She didn't do any of those things. No, she called me a murderer. She said I deserved to die.

I do deserve to die don't I? I deserve that electric chair that L promised me.

But I couldn't help but wonder. Did Mom love me? Even just a little. Was all her love for me gone? Did she suddenly forget how much I love her. How much we loved each other. How she used to hold me after my nightmares. How she used to kiss my boo-boos. How she used to give me a kiss on my head before I went to bed every night. How I gave her a hug every morning when I woke up. All because I was Kira.

She did forget didn't she? She hated me- or rather, what I had become.

I wiped my tears hastily and once again schooled my features into an emotionless cover, not letting my true emotions be seen. Not letting my pain be seen.

Yes, I was scared. Yes I was sad, terrified, worried. All of those things. But I wouldn't let it be seen. Not by Dad. Not my sister. Not Misa. Not even L.

The only one aware of my fear would be Mom. Just Mom. Because mother's know everything.

And even if she didn't love me anymore, she was still the most important person in my life.

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Never do tell you,  
But I am frightened by the darkness, mother  
Usually I don't show,  
But I do care about you, mother  
You know it all, isn't it mother?  
You know it all, my mother.

Don't leave me like this in the crowd  
Such that I am not able to come back to the home.  
Don't send me so far  
Such that you don't remember about me at all.  
Am I that bad, mother?  
That bad... my mother?

Whenever... father...  
Quickly... swing me, mother...  
My eyes... seek for you...  
I do think this... you will come to hold me, mother...  
I don't... tell him this...  
But I do... get scared, mother  
On the face... I don't let this come  
In the heart... I get frightened, mother  
You know it all, isn't it mother?  
You know it all, my mother.

I never do tell you,  
But I am frightened by the darkness, mother

Usually I don't show,  
But I do care about you, mother  
You know it all, isn't it mother?  
You know it all, my mother.

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